American Idol Tortall Style
by Raashna
Summary: Your favorite TP characters on American Idol...
1. The Ghost

American Idol, Tortall Style

By Raashna

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from this story except Raashna. All others belong to Tamora Pierce. I also do not own the television show American Idol. All spelling and grammatical errors are my responsibility. 

A/N Raashna is going to be the judge for American Idol because I didn't feel comfortable using the actual judges names. 

On with the story!

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Raashna: Hello, everyone! Welcome to American Idol Tortall Style! I guarantee that all singers will be bad! 

Voice From Backstage: I like purple polka dotted cobras! 

Raashna: Whatever. I first singer will be Numair Salmalin singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." It is dedicated to Ozorne because it was his favorite song before Daine killed him. We asked the Black God to bring him down from the Realms of the Dead so he could listen.

Ozorne: Hi everybody!

Raashna: All right. Numair, come on out… Numair? NUMAIR! 

Numair: What? 

Raashna: Sing! People are staring! 

Numair: So?

Raashna: Just sing!

Numair: Why?

Voice From Backstage: (to tune of Hippopotamus Song) I like purple polka dotted cobras…and purple polka dotted cobras like me too! 

Raashna: Whatever.

Numair: *sits down, opens book* If no one minds, I'll just read…

Voice From Backstage: Ghost! Ghost! There's a ghost backstage!

*Daine, Alanna, George, Owen and Duke Roger run out from backstage, hide behind chair*

Raashna: Ghost? 

Ghost: Boo! *Everyone screams except Raashna* 

Raashna: What's so scary?

Roger: The ghost stole my nail polish!

Alanna: You paint your nails?

Roger: Shut up, Alanna. 

Owen: The ghost has jolly big teeth and a jolly big frown and jolly big feet and he is COMING AFTER US! AAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! 

George: Owen stole my teddy bear! *pouts*

Alanna: You have a teddy bear?

George: Shut up, Alanna. 

Raashna: I think we can resolve this if Numair would just SING!

Numair: *looks up from book* What?

Raashna: SING, YOU DORK! 

Daine: Nobody calls my Numair a dork! 

Raashna: SOMEONE TELL NUMAIR TO SING!

Daine: SING, YOU DORK! 

Numair: Okay. *starts singing* *audience plugs ears*

Raashna: SSSSTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPP! You're going to scare the audience away! 

Numair:*looks out across empty auditorium* I think I already did. 

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So, how is it? I'm sorry it wasn't very funny, but I tried! R/R!


	2. Roger's Song

American Idol Tortall Style

Chapter II 

By Raashna

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this story or the show American Idol. I wrote this story for fun and the only thing (person, really) I own is Raashna, who happens to be ME!! 

A/N: Thank you to all who reviewed! Insanity aboard! 

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**Raashna:** Hello everyone, and welcome to American Idol Tortall Style. Today the Duke Roger of Conte will be singing "Why I Hate Alanna and Why Onua is Bad and Why I Am the Best Singer in the Universe and Why I Hate Daine Even Though I Never Met Her Because I Was Dead and Why Numair Annoys Me Because He Has a Personality Like Cooked Cabbage, " a song of his own creation! 

**Audience:** Yea! 

**Alanna: **I want to be a wrestler when I grow up! 

**Owen: **Jolly! So do I! I like blueberry pie! That rhymes! 

**Merric: **That was pretty random. I don't like random people. I want to kill all random people. Can I kill you because you are a random person?

**Owen: **Jolly! That would be fun! 

**Kel: **Maybe we should get on with the show…

**Merric: **…after I kill Owen.

**Kel: **Go ahead. I wanted to kill Owen from the moment I met him, but… The St… The Bea… The Fruitloop… Lord Wyldon wouldn't let me. 

**Daine: **Help! There is someone backstage… and they have a gun! 

**Merric: **What's a gun?

**Raashna: **A metal device stupid people like YOU use to kill people. The person backstage is a contract killer I hired to kill YOU so I wouldn't have to deal with YOU after the show. 

**Merric: ***gulp* 

**Owen: **What about me? _I_ want to be killed…

**Roger: **Has anyone seen my nail polish?

**Merric: **That was pretty random. I do not like random people. I want to kill all random people. Can I kill you because you are a random person? 

**Raashna: **Sadly, all killing must wait until the end of the show… 

**Kel: **In case of an emergency, oxygen masks will be released from the overhead compartment. Pull the mask toward you to start the flow of oxygen. Even though the mask will not inflate, oxygen will flow through the mask. Secure your mask before helping others. Thank you for flying the friendly skies with American Airlines. 

**Merric: **That was pretty random. I do-

**Roger: **Shut up, you. 

**Raashna: **You know, the audience is sort of disappearing… *gasps* I could lose my job! I could be fired! 

**Daine: ***talking to herself* Come and join us, come and join us! My preciousssssss… 

**Numair: **What?

**Daine: **Dude, I like wasn't like talking to you, like I don't like like you anymore… You're a dork and like _dude_, like you like are mean-

**Roger: **Dude. I like that word. Dude. DUUUUUUUDDDDDDDEEEEEEE! DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE! Dude. 

**Raashna: **Spare me, Roger. I don't want to hear it. Just sing your stupid _song_ already! 

**Roger: **Dude. Here is my song. 

_How I long to kill Alanna_

_It's too bad she will not die_

_She reminds me of banana_

_Unsquishable banana pie._

_Onua is very bad_

_She makes me very mad,_

_Daine is very evil,_

_She converses with the deevil._

_Numair is cooked cabbage,_

_It's too bad I like it raw,_

_ When he wears his stupid badge_

_I want to cut him with a saw._

_Daine talks to animals_

_Such foolishness I never heard_

_Once I had a gun,_

_And I shot it at a bird. _

_I annoy myself greatly,_

_It's too bad I cannot lie, _

_And if I find Alanna,_

_I guarantee that she will die. _

**Raashna: **That was very…nice. 

**Audience: ***silence*

**Roger: **Dude. 

~*~

*Hides under desk* That was the worst thing I have ever written in my whole life! I am highly embarrassed. I know it wasn't funny, no need to tell me, but flame all you want! Next chapter coming soon… hopefully better than this. 


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